LOVELICH

comfort breeds complacency

i've been planning on trying to move out for quite a while now, of course, but i'm startint to think i even if it doesn't work out in time, i might have to resort ot moving back into my mom's place. which sucks, but i need out.

yay guys yay

so the mountains were fun and thanksgiving was fun and my brother's birthday was fun c:

weeee

i'm going to the mountains tomorrow! see ya', CHUMPS!

amazing incredible stupendous idea

so i had a wild thought while it was dead at work today... so like, what if i accept whatever my company can give me right now but start back up a piercing apprenticeship again? i could work towards being a piercer and possibly be more sane with my job in the future. tbh... sounds perfect to me. i actually already called some places and asked if they were looking for apprentices and my first call asked me to call back again on a weekday when it would be less busy, but that he was totally interested. so there's fucking that! >:)

gadamn

Had an urgent store meeting yesterday where we all found out that our location is closing December 17th. I've been there for like 2 years, I literally got told like 2 weeks before this that they wanted to develop me into a store manager, and I don't have transportation to transfer to the only store looking for an AM right now! They offered me to stay with the company, but the amount of bullshit is swaying me a different direction. Also. My coffee shop is located in a hotel. The owner of the building came down for coffee this morning and asked me a bunch of questions like what my plans were and what kind of salary am I making... things led to another and he says the hotel's HR person will stay in touch with me and all this stuff. As much as I wish I could work at Kirks' again or something maybe this is a good opportunity! I hope they don't offer me to be restaurant manager or something. No more fucking food service!

feeling wordy

i haven't updated in a sec. i'm trying to crawl my way out of a slump i've been in for a long time. i haven't done a lot quite yet, but right now my focus is on saving up for a car and fixing my credit. ultimately the goal is to move out into a place of my own. i wonder if i would feel more confident in my own space... or maybe i'll board myself up and become miserable. either way i know i'll be okay. all of this is for the better... i just want to be me, man. it sounds ridiculous, but i just keep thinking about true love. like to myself. idk. it's weird. but i know it's guiding me towards something good. i feel like i am one step away from letting my real self out... letting the little kid in me breathe instead of suffocating it, like tapping into my deepest element. it's right there.

lower than dirt

i slept in through my therapy appointment today and my therapist let me know that i can't see her anymore. i've had her as my therapist for like 2 years. she's been great. i don't wanna restart. i feel like actual shit. i've been crying for the last hour and my boyfriend came home, saw i was crying, listened to me for like 2 minutes with his arms crossed, said "well i brought you the sushi you wanted" and just left like i was a fucking dumb idiot child. i think i'm just gonna drink until i feel better. i so desperately just want someone to hug me and tell me it's okay. i'm not getting that. therapy's overrated i guess. peace.

cosplay madness :0

went to the all hallows ren faire as shadowheart from BG3 and i felt so swag. shame that the vibe was weird because this town DONKS BAD STYLE. yesterday was also shane's birthday. i know you don't know who shane is but he is, like, mad special to me so just remember that. it's been uneventful since my last entry tbh, but i wanted to write something. i did get my new health insurance figured out, but still don't have access to my vyvanse, so my brain is whack. i'm just j chilling honestly! xai xai out.

OH YEAH

I forgot to share that I dyed my hairs?!!! It was supposed to be a really dark brown but it's basically black. Not mad, tho. It looks awesome ^-^

boardom

the last two weeks have been so boring. i think i'm gonna attach an email onto here to have people to talk to or something.

time fer NOIZE

NOISE SHOW AT KIRK'S TONIGHT!!! WOOP WOOP!

UNtherapized

I've been unable to go to my therapist for the last two weeks, because of the Medicaid thing. I'm really starting to feel... like I haven't been to therapy for the last two weeks. Two more to go. Send me heals :<

hip-hip... BOOYAHH

Dudes, I've had so much fun making this gotdamn website, but now I CAN FINALLY BLOG! Woop woop!

wow um

i'm gonna be drastically revamping my website soon. i finally went into a deep dive of other neocities and fuck i could make my shit so much cooler. expect my website to be broken over the next week or few weeks. whatever. >:)

writing music rn

Fuck yeah, I'm writing music!!!

adhd is a nastard!!!

Lost my health insurance for the month so I have to ration out my adhd medication and, boy, have I forgotten how STUPID I naturally am! I saw it originally as an opportunity to clean out my brain from substances that might be stressing me out, and it was good for a couple days, but now I'm literally unable to do anything! It was a drag to make myself to play video games... I love video games, man. Pray for me, brothers.

rise up, gamers

today is the most boring day of my life!!!

addressing the recent silly little controversy

Accepting moments of hysteria and delusion would be hard for anyone. Still feeling a little spiky, but I'm good now. Recognizing the signs is hard when you're in the midst of it all. My art, the way I was talking to people about my interest in the Bible (NOT a Christian, let me emphasize that, just a history freak), and then my inner dialogue? Was finally able to admit to Hayden that I was really going through something. I remember just two days ago I was working and these flies kept landing on me, and the thought popped up, "The flies are landing on me because I am a dead corpse." Usually I can shake those kind of intrusive thoughts off, but this one stuck and I was almost in tears in front of my coworker. I'm also accepting that weed just isn't good for me, as this was all pretty much induced by getting absolutely shredded any chance I got. During this episode all I wanted was to be high or drunk... which is obviously not good. But yeah just a reminder for everyone in the world that weed is NOT good for people with schizophrenia, dissociative disorders/derealization, or PTSD. I had Hayden take my stash, and my brand new bong I just got for my bday (T-T). This is for the better though, as I already feel much better on day 3 or maybe 4 without smoking! Congrats to me!

it's okay

I was feeling like being productive today and knocking out my to-do list. I finally got around to calling my grandmother (biological father's side) who I've only recently been in contact with. She's a very sweet lady, but, man, was that such a sad call. She said things like it's almost the end of her life and it all passed her by so fast. That she has too much time left on her hands now and that she is alone all the time now that her sweetheart is gone. She kept calling me so sweet for even calling her and she couldn't stop crying. She has a lot of regrets and a lot of pain. I tried to be cheery during our conversation, but, honestly, I cried a lot after that call...

turning into a little monster

I am on a super slippery slope and nobody will be there to catch me if I fall. Seriously, though.

bad news, guys

There were freaking musicheads there... and lots of gooning...

listening to ween uhhhhhhhhh

Going to my friend Suny's bday party real soon. I hope I don't meet any musicheads there... I HATE music!!!

everything is love

post bday evil

It's the day after my birthday. I turned 22. I made new friends; Hannah and J. They are very cool. I went to the zoo. I hung out in my apartment with more friends. I got too crossfaded and went to bed very sick, but now I feel better. Hayden got me cheesecake... I ate some for breakfast this morning. I have to go to work in an hour.

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